This was nicely written, funny (fo realsies, ya soggy tictacs!) and good all around, hopefully people catch on w/ this lil gem goin forward.
Anyways, i did have a few gripes with it (being your first project and such), so here they are:
the very first H scene (w/ the hero's party) was oddly out of place, if it's plot relevant (and gonna be explained later) then i guess it should stay, but otherwise - ehh, maybe if it was our MC's very first dream? but even then, it's poorly telegraphed. i know this is an adult game, but H scenes out of place can be quite baffling, not hot or anything - if that's the intent - sure, but still slightly weird, given MC's nature, personality and all that.
the direction of some scenes could be hit or miss, for example during some conversation there were animated cut-ins, probably to give those scenes a cinematic feeling, but those braking trucks and views of people walking (mostly their legs) felt out of place in context of said scene(s). i would either try changing up the presentation to something else, or find some less irrelevant / jarring clips to insert here. basically, the flow of some scenes could definitely use some improvements.
the characterization overall is very nice, the girls are refreshingly assertive and active (maybe even a bit too feisty, heh~). which makes the contrast with MC being all aloof and stoic a tad too severe. i get that he was like that all his life, and just started to change, but him being silent (and passive) most of the times can get somewhat boring - or even make Jax look too pushy at times (being a hyperactive but lovable dumbass she is, not a sex fiend or worse) - and that kinda throws off the balance. while i don't mind 2/3 of text being girls talking, it gets closer to 3/4 of that here, even while MC's present and awake. and while his thoughts are interesting and all that, everyone just taking his overly introspective nature in strides breaks my suspension of disbelief a bit more than that one asylum bad end in a clearly fantastic story :p. basically, the cast should be either balanced out with a few errr calmer chars, or our mc should develop into someone less aloof/become more proactive somewhat soonish, or both.
the prose is good and most dialogues are well written, noticed just a few typos and mistakes here (another QC pass won't hurt, but nothing too glaring). however blending comedy and drama/serious plot is always hard, hence leaning into (admittedly mostly pretty funny) banter all the time can get somewhat tiring (esp if it's too long winded for it's own good), and also obscure/pad out all the juicy bits - namely lore, characters and plot relevant bits or progression. while not that bad by itself, it made me think when will those lasses finally calm down their tits!? or something to that effect... a few times at least. it's amusing, but a bit too much sometimes, and makes the MC feel like an even more of a spectator than he already is, which is not good imo - the banter, being fun and funny, slowly morphs into noise or feels like unnecessary padding. goofing around need to stay, but maybe make it more condensed or cut it/the amount down a lil. basically, banter's good but maybe not overdo it and prioritize the delivery of story and character drama over jokes, no matter how funny they are - or at least try to balance it out a bit, imo.
other things are either minor (quite frankly the Ann's tutorial at the beginning was mostly unnecessary, or could have been condensed to +- just a few sentences), or related to mc being what he is (like barely partaking in skinship or any forms of intimacy - even friendly one - let alone initiating it) and etc.
tl;dr, overall i quite liked what i have seen - despite some beginner mistakes here and there and a few other concerns, hence i wish you luck and will be waiting patiently for the next part of the story!
and above all, please do not take my criticism as damning, since it's anything but - i just want your story to get even better than it already is (and it's fairly good as is), so yeah don't sweat it too much - i mean good, i swear~~~
Hello and thank you for playing the game! I'm glad you enjoyed it and took the time to type a well-written and comprehensive review! And please, don't mind being straightforward and forthright with your comments! I very much prefer an honest and sincere review, much like yours, than a sugar-glazed one. I don't want to live in a bubble where the only criticism is honeyed words, therefore your review is very much appreciated! Thank you!
As for your points, please allow me to give my reply to it! 🙂
The very first H-Scene - To be honest, I initially put it there just so I could have an H-Scene in the first release. I release updates by Chapters and the first update/release doesn't have any H-Scene in it therefore I was pressed to add something to it. It might sound moot, but as the first release and my game's debut, I had to add an H-Scene to it to hook in players. Hence the somewhat out-of-place H-Scene. However... after a few more releases, I have now ever so slightly shoe-horned the first H-Scene with more 'context' and relevance to the story by sprinkling a few details here and there. A few subtle but not-too-subtle details in the scenes if you will lol.
I don't want to spoil too much of it but... if you're curious... I suggest looking/playing through the City Hall path (MC agreed to meet) in Chapter 4, and looking for a painting behind our MC. 😉
The animated cut-ins - These animated scenes aren't really there to give a sense of cinematic (but I do find it extremely pleasing and gratifying that you think so since I worked hard on the animation, sound design, and editing so thank you lol). I mainly add these sorts of animated cut-ins as 'eye candy' to distract/entertain players on scenes with lengthy and/or otherwise boring scenes with walls of text. These animated cut-ins are, by design, not relevant to the story as they are primarily there so that players can have something to look at while the game dumps a wall of text—mainly a minor flashback, trivial premonition, or a simple monologue.
However, I do agree with you that some of the scenes I use are gratuitous, as some other players have pointed out the same, hence I will adjust these scenes accordingly in the future. 🙂
Characters - There absolutely will be more 'serious' and 'less aloof' characters to balance the dynamics of our characters! Or rather... there are already lol. We're very much still in the 'building-up-the-characters' stage of the game. The only 'fleshed out' character so far is Jax, while the other characters are still being introduced to you guys, the players. I very much designed and wrote Ann to be Jax's counterbalance. Ann is to be the straight-woman of the group, the smart and calculating one, who will often be the most tame and sensible. She, and her character, haven't really been given the chance to shine yet in her own because she's often being dragged along by Jax's shenanigans, and also because I am still building some stuff for our story. However, Ann will start toshine through in this upcoming chapter and the next ones and she will begin to show more of her calm and calculating manner soon. So please look forward to it!
Prose and dialogue - Just as mentioned above, the game is pretty much on its 'building-up-the-characters' stage. I am still building up the world and characters of the game and doing it chapter by chapter. It just happens to be that the first chapters, the chapters we have now, are mainly focused on Jax and her problems. Hence why the story is very energetic and aloof since it's Jax's story being told and the chapters' mood reflects it. As we continue the story, the mood, prose, and dialogue between our characters will also change depending on who's story is being told at the time. It is hard to explain without spoiling the game and blurting out what I have planned but... Chapter 5 will hopefully bring those pieces together and paint my nonsense comments here clearer lol.
Minor things - These points are mostly welcomed since they address things I missed or didn't bother to look back on. Therefore thanks for pointing it out lol! Ann's tutorial at the beginning might be pointless for you and me, and other avid/veteran Ren'Py players, but is essential for newbies. Plus, it also allowed me to point out and demonstrate the Codex feature I (recently) added to the game. As for the MC being dragged along, figuratively and literally, along his various interactions with characters, be they intimate and friendly ones... that will also change soon. Our MC is still grasping what's going on around the new world he's in and therefore has yet to gain proper initiative in many things. Remember, as of Chapter 4, he's only been in the new world for four days, hence why our MC might seem a bit 'passive' at the moment. Once our MC, and by extension, you—the player, gain proper footing (Good/Rude and Character's Love/Sub points) our MC will begin to take initiative.
Once again, I would like to thank you for your honest and very detailed comment! You do not know how important it is to me to have such an honest and well-written review. I am a one-man team with this game as a passion project. Therefore honest and constructive criticism such as yours is what fuels my motivation to strive better and aim higher. Chapter 5 is currently in the works and is about halfway done! I hope you're just as excited as I am for the release! I am working hard on it. Please look forward to it! 😀
Thank you for detailed and honest answer, i really appreciate it~
About the answer to your points, i decided to not clutter comments with long threads here, so i left you a message over at a certain numbered site (the numbers being nine and five, of course), hope you don't mind~
I love this concept of a powerful creature that doesn't understand how the world and feelings work, it's great to see the protagonist learning and experiencing the complexity of human feelings, I'm loving the affection put into the intentions between the characters, a wonderful job with this game.
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This was nicely written, funny (fo realsies, ya soggy tictacs!) and good all around, hopefully people catch on w/ this lil gem goin forward.
Anyways, i did have a few gripes with it (being your first project and such), so here they are:
tl;dr, overall i quite liked what i have seen - despite some beginner mistakes here and there and a few other concerns, hence i wish you luck and will be waiting patiently for the next part of the story!
and above all, please do not take my criticism as damning, since it's anything but - i just want your story to get even better than it already is (and it's fairly good as is), so yeah don't sweat it too much - i mean good, i swear~~~
cheers!
Hello and thank you for playing the game! I'm glad you enjoyed it and took the time to type a well-written and comprehensive review! And please, don't mind being straightforward and forthright with your comments! I very much prefer an honest and sincere review, much like yours, than a sugar-glazed one. I don't want to live in a bubble where the only criticism is honeyed words, therefore your review is very much appreciated! Thank you!
As for your points, please allow me to give my reply to it! 🙂
I don't want to spoil too much of it but... if you're curious... I suggest looking/playing through the City Hall path (MC agreed to meet) in Chapter 4, and looking for a painting behind our MC. 😉
However, I do agree with you that some of the scenes I use are gratuitous, as some other players have pointed out the same, hence I will adjust these scenes accordingly in the future. 🙂
Once again, I would like to thank you for your honest and very detailed comment! You do not know how important it is to me to have such an honest and well-written review. I am a one-man team with this game as a passion project. Therefore honest and constructive criticism such as yours is what fuels my motivation to strive better and aim higher. Chapter 5 is currently in the works and is about halfway done! I hope you're just as excited as I am for the release! I am working hard on it. Please look forward to it! 😀
Thank you for detailed and honest answer, i really appreciate it~
About the answer to your points, i decided to not clutter comments with long threads here, so i left you a message over at a certain numbered site (the numbers being nine and five, of course), hope you don't mind~
I love this concept of a powerful creature that doesn't understand how the world and feelings work, it's great to see the protagonist learning and experiencing the complexity of human feelings, I'm loving the affection put into the intentions between the characters, a wonderful job with this game.
Thanks for playing the game! I'm delighted that you liked it! Chapter 5 is currently being worked on, please look forward to it!
I'm excited to see what comes next.